Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
