I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
