I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
