I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
