god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
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You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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