I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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