Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
