just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
