at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
