ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
