totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
