My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
