so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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