There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
