please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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