Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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