I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
