i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
