I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Randomize
