so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
