Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
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A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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