How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
