I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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