Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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