Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
worst night to have a conscience
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
