Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
