GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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