So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
