Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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