Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
