When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
