Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
