At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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