i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize