I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
PANTIES FOUND
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