So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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