hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
