someone threw a dead crab at me
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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