The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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