So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
