He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
