I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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