i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
