I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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