She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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