I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
