he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
