Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
