she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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