My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
