six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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