just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You ruined the universe
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
