I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We have started to decorate penises.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
