The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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