The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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