i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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