Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
