Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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