Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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