My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
